This is another post with the obvious as its theme but that which is obvious, often needs to be re-stated. Making a statement about gossip being bad will seldom provoke disagreement from anyone but most people will carry on gossiping as if oblivious to this knowledge. As I believe I’ve mentioned, much popular media is devoted to sharing gossip and this intrusive and often nasty focus on the lives of celebrities is the one area where I am somewhat sympathetic to what those in the public eye have to suffer.
My target here is not about the organised and more profitable gossip that bombards magazines, newspapers, online news, social media and television screens but that which the regular people often engage in to the detriment of all. Something I make no claim to being innocent of engaging in whether actively or passively at times.
What led me to write this was becoming more conscious of my own failings with regards to gossip. Gossip is often (and not unfairly), associated with women. While women certainly have a greater weakness with this, they are not the only ones that do it. There are men who engage in it in the same catty manner that women do but the main problem is with passivity when within earshot. Of doing nothing to discourage or silence it when being involved with it. Although this is not politically correct, me do have far more influence and power with regards to stopping it. If every man were to refuse to listen when his wife wanted to speak about what Becky did to Suzy then it would be largely pushed out of polite society. In stating the above, I am not claiming that women can’t do the same but a woman who openly condemned gossip when in earshot likely fears that they will become the target.
Something that I think helps people to rationalise gossip is similar to how journalists justify their ruinous work: public interest. Discussing something wrong or scandalous that someone within your work, social or family environment lets the gossip think they are performing some sort of public service. That they happen to enjoy the thrill of doing this and would not themselves like to be the subject of gossip seems to escape them in these moments. Of course, most gossip, while usually concerning poor or impolite behaviour, hardly needs to be discussed behind the perpetrators back. Even assuming the worst, this can’t possibly solve the problem as they are deliberately excluded from the whispers of disapproval. It actually has the opposite effect of increasing ill-feeling, especially when others are made aware of it.
When something is truly bad, it usually can only be solved by direct intervention when not rising to the level where law enforcement must be involved. It is much easier to secretly disapprove than it is confront someone for their bad behaviour. The subject of gossip almost never rises to that level. One could imagine with some amusement the look on the face of a police officer being told that Nancy took home the half empty wine bottle she brought to Sally’s party. Much gossip doesn’t even rise to the level of a social faux pas and is instead entirely based on misunderstanding another’s intentions.
Everyone experiences sadness, anger or just irritability and this can lead to behaviour that is out of character. I try to remind myself of this at moments when someone is short on patience when dealing with me. I also try to remember that I have certainly done the same to others. There are certainly people who are unpleasant and other who for some reason, you just can’t get along with. Gossiping will only make things worse.
The insidious thing about gossip is how easy it is to allow it to happen and how slowly but surely it poisons relationships. It can be especially destructive with marriages where one or both parties attack their spouse to others. Even small digs at the person with whom you have made a bond to share your life can slowly poison the relationship. I was made aware of this myself when I was granted clarity of my own failings in this area by the Grace of God. I went and repented the negative things I had said about my spouse and have been sure to keep this up when I slide from time to time. When I hear similar negative comments from others, I try to respond with a positive comment about the person being belittled.
Perhaps this offers a simple solution apart from simply not gossiping. Whenever you are the conduit for its spread, you should counteract its effects with compliments towards the subject. Where none are presented, you could simply suggest that there is no doubt some misunderstanding despite their insistence to the contrary. You could also ask the person gossiping what can be done and what they are doing now is supposed to accomplish? This could all be done relatively smoothly without calling out what they are doing more directly. At worst, your failure to participate will reduce the chances of you being involved in future. It is certainly something I want to work towards.